glimmerous_fop | (no subject)

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So...as it turns out that hangover wasn't a hangover at all...it's actually a very funny story! I went to the doctor, he ran some tests....an hour later I was pregnant! So when it comes to partying I've still got it.

On the plus side...there's that nail in your coffin Rufus. On the minus...my body! I knew it wasn't my imagination, I am busting out of my bust!

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Surprise?

[Death rattle.]

Knock it off...it's not about you, if it were then we could share the baby. I could carry it and you could deal with the morning sickness...afternoon sickness...evening sickness...midnight sickness. Right now it's about me...and my body!

It's not like I MEANT to do this to you!!! I shouldn't even be able to! Why're you so sure it's my fault?! It's an open marriage!

Well, I thought that too and it's for that very reason I don't use a condom with you or take pills with you. That's what makes it the best sex...but if you're not sure I could always bleed you and we could find out.

But my blood's not even--and you'd have to wait 'till the thing was born to get its blood, and condoms can break and... If you go stabbing it with needles while it has you hostage, who knows what kinda counter attack it might pull?!

We'd have to wait another three weeks to do it, but we could do a paternity test...though if this child is yours I'd certainly be worried about retaliation.

What are you saying? I don't hit girls! I especially wouldn't hurt you like this! ... On purpose! So if kids got their personalities from their parents at all, it wouldn't be doing this to you! Right?! Right!! Damn right! And that's why my sperm shouldn't be able to make kids! On top of the other reasons!

You still think this is a blaming kind of thing? This is just one of those things that happens and in a few weeks we'll know for sure, but I don't have any doubts.

It's not just one of those things that happens! It's a really big thing that happens! All the time, sure, but that's to OTHER people! You can't say yer not freaking out about this!

I did all of my freaking out already. I fainted, threw up, paced the house, threw up again, drank an entire carton of orange juice...and then I came to terms with it.

Now I'm thinking about how this is going to kill Rufus...ohohoho...it's going to be a blood-bath. And see...see how mommy just made it all better.

Rufus can go screw himself, this's a bigger problem than him. This's a mess so bad, even if you make him cry tears of blood, it's not anywhere near okay...

I've gone through my five stages of grief...anger at being pregnant and at you, denial...because this couldn't possibly happen to my beautiful body, bargaining...I would never sleep with anyone but you if this whole baby thing would just go away, depression...drowning my sorrows and myself in the bath tub...my body! Then acceptance...I accept that this is going to destroy Rufus, it's what's getting me through and you will let me have it or else this is going to turn into the crazy roller coaster with me at the switch.

I love you.

Eh?

So, you understand what this is doing to me.

Right, right, fine, I got it, this is your roller coaster. You have the switch. Pregnancy hormones. Trauma. You're not thinking straight or normal or right. I think I at least oughtta get the right to think about it a few minutes, too, before you start lobbing cheap shots at me.

Cheap shots my tukis! You're playing pin-the-baby-on-the-man-with-the-unfortunate-forehead...insinuating I'd sleep with someone that short...Cheap shot? I'm acknowledging you as the best possible candidate!

Fine, that was wrong, I'm sorry! It's mine! It doesn't matter whose it is anyway! The point is it's in you, no matter who put it there!

But, I can do with a little less crazy. "I'm angry! I'm scared! I'm vulnerable! I'm out for blood! I'll go apeshit on your ass if I have to!" And then you follow up that killer combo with a finishing line like that? I didn't sign onto the whole emotional thing in this marriage bit...

Crazy I'm entitled to--but angry, scared, vulnerable...where are you picking those vibes up from?

You just said---the whole mad at me, mad at being pregnant, the "my body!" stuff, the sudden fidelity scare, the drowning the sorrows--in juice and hot water--the whole... confessional bit.

Oh the five stages of grief, I've been there, done that, worked it out with the doctor. I'm fine.

I'm just saying, I want to see a certain someone's miserable face over this whole debacle and I'll be completely satisfied.

Fine, huh?

And as long as you get to feed off'a his misery, no Crazy Train?

Oh absolutely, this whole pregnancy and child rearing thing is going to be a breeze. It's just my body I'm worried about.

Of course, his misery is like manna from the gods.

A breeze.

Sure, I have resources.